Post-Modern Sleaze

Get ready for the most mind-blowing, psychedelic, philosophical exploration you've experienced since that undergrad Theory class you scored a D+ in (or your most recent acid trip, whichever more authentically applies to your situation). I'm about to get all postmodern on you (I'm sure that's totally not the correct Lit term - damn those Theory classes!) and blog about...a blog. Not just any blog, mind you. If you're as unhealthily engrossed in pop culture like I am, then it's THE blog. The one, the only...PerezHilton.com.



A little background for those of you who choose not to obsess over celebrities, in favor of enjoying full, productive lives based in reality (losers): Born Mario Armando Lavandeira, Jr., Perez Hilton is the ultimate authority on Hollywood trash talk, and makes sure everyone knows it by constantly referring to himself as either the Gossip Gangstar (obnoxious misspelling presumably intentional) or The Queen of All Media (or just simply in the third person, which is really equally as irritating). In addition to continually reporting the most salacious celeb scandals and doodling cartoonish bodily fluids and cocaine over the Botoxed faces of Hollywood's elite, Perez has also found time in his busy schedule to befriend some of the mythical creatures of La La Land. It's no accident the blogger opted for a pseudonym soaked in connotations of fame, money, and glamour (not to mention homemade pornography, imprisonment, mild to moderate intellectual impairment, probable Herpes infection...). Perez and Paris H. are like totally BFF, which is why the painfully vapid heiress hardly ever gets the brutal blog treatment other stars get.

But I digress...I could list a million reasons to bite the hand that feeds me my daily dose of gratuitous and inappropriately intimate details of celebrity's lives. But before my attention is diverted by a shiny object or the True Life marathon I've managed to mute, I'll get to Mr. Hilton's most grievous offense. Let's take a trip down memory lane and reminisce over some of Perezzer's (grating self-designated nickname number three) recent observations:

11/6/08: Skinny Yet Fat [Referencing Kate Moss]
"It's one thing to be overweight, and have some cellulite or stretch marks. But when you're skinny and you have fat on you, it doesn't make sense."
http://perezhilton.com/2008-11-06-skinny-yet-fat

11/3/08: How Do We Say This Delicately? [Referencing Misha Barton]
"This might seem a little mean, but….Shouldn't Mush Mush try and find a pair of jeans that fit??? A size or two larger would do wonders for her plumper shape.Maybe some fabric with a little stretch!"
http://perezhilton.com/2008-11-03-how-do-we-say-this-delicately-103


Don't worry, children under the age of three aren't exempt from the Perez treatment:

10/2/08: How Do We Say This Delicately?
"Uhmmmm….Looking fugly not so perfect, robot, super cute! Suri Cruise went out for a walk in the NYC with her handlers, mom Katie and dad Tom on Thursday. We can't put our finger on it, but she wasn't her usual adorable self. What do y'all think?"
http://perezhilton.com/2008-10-02-how-do-we-say-this-delicately-91

Oh, and you don't have to have two X chromosomes either:

12/11/08: He Used to Be Hot
"On Wednesday, Aussie actor Russell Crowe was spotted taking a break from working out by grabbing some grub at fames California hamburger joint In-N-Out, in Los Angeles. Kiss those calories you worked off bye bye!" http://perezhilton.com/2008-12-11-he-used-to-be-hot


Unlike other Perez haters, I won't even bring up the fact that the Gossip Gangstar (cringe) could use a good dose of airbrushing himself. But even if the blogger were a Jon Hamm/James Franco/Ryan Reynolds-hybrid, he'd still be a jackass. Clearly, I'm as hungry for celebrity dirt as the next media fiend, but in what universe is it okay to analyze, dissect, and belittle a person (famous or not) on the basis of their looks? And it's not that I've suddenly become an anti-gossip Pollyanna. It's just that I would rather pass judgement on the above celebrities because of each one's vast array of character defects (I'm looking at YOU, Suri Cruise...just kidding), not the size of their thighs. Sure, it's fun to see the occasional photo of a normally Photoshopped-to-death celebrity sans makeup, but is it really compelling to write post after post attacking Tara Reid for her botched plastic surgery when she has so many more interesting personality shortcomings to examine?

My good friend, Erin, has successfully quit a years-long Perez habit by simply going cold-turkey. She gets her gossip fix from other, funnier, less psychologically damaging websites, and doesn't miss the catty Queen of all Media at all. Erin, I salute you. But unless A&E stages an Intervention in my living room, my chances of successfully abstaining from Perez are slim to none. Call it a pathetic addiction...I prefer to think of it as thorough research for postmodern blogging.